V (forever_alone) wrote,

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I'm back I guess

I should finally actually make this post. I've been putting it off because it's fucking shitty to have to write this at all. But I have to come back eventually. I'm a terrible LJ friend to you guys. It's not nearly as easy as it used to be to write in this thing.

My grandma died on April 21, after an extremely long, painful, and exhausting struggle against her surgery complications followed by a stroke. That day was also my father's birthday, so now every year what should be a special day gets to be overwhelmed by this miserable reminder. Fuck, I can't even type this without starting to break down...

We were there. We saw her die. I was holding her hand as she went and it was cold, it was so fucking cold. It was one of the absolute hardest things I've ever had to deal with in my life. The image of her fighting, gasping her last breaths, not even able to turn her head or even focus her eyes on her family... that will stay with me forever. I still can't believe such a wonderful person had to be taken out of this world in such a horrific way, after fighting so hard... she fought so goddamn hard, you guys. The last time we visited her in the hospital before she was moved to the stroke ward, she told us how she could finally stand up again, how she could sit up in bed. She was days away from being released to a nursing home again. Days. But they took her off her blood thinners to do some tests and then she had her stroke. A week later she was gone. After everything that happened... three surgeries, indescribable pain, hearing her scream and beg and watching her suffer, being told she might have cancer and then never even getting to find out if that was true. Just gone. One of the strongest women I'll ever know. One of the only people that I felt and knew, really knew, loved me. The very last thing I told her, as she was dying, was "I love you. You know I love you." Because no one ever does. Every person I've been close to has questioned my love, my parents, my friends, my significant others. Every single person except her. She knew. And she loved me back so deeply that having her gone is like having a part of my soul ripped out. And I don't even believe in souls. But I can think of no other way to describe it.

I wrote a very, very, very long post the day after it happened, describing exactly what's been going on since my last big update on the situation. But I can't post it, not yet, maybe not ever. It's so painful. It hurts, physically hurts, the way nothing else ever has. Every single day passes so slowly now, I seriously can't fucking believe it's been less than 2 months since she died, it feels like five fucking years. The grief mutates into depression and we all know where I go from there. I feel this more deeply and more constantly than I've felt any emotion in years. This is pain that cannot even be dissociated. I miss her so much. So fucking much that I think sometimes I can't cope. I try to be strong for my mother, because as badly as I hurt I know she hurts even more, losing her own mother. There's also been a HUGE amount of additional family drama. Our family doesn't even come together in times of loss. We tear each other fucking apart. I hate this. I hate this so much, and I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry, this all sounds really really stupid. I can't stop crying now, I don't know why I wrote this. I was going to disable comments but I guess that's antisocial so I'll just leave them open. There are so many more parts of this story to tell but I don't know if I am strong enough to tell it. I don't know if it even matters, if anyone's even listening. I feel the absence of God now more than I ever have. I feel the absence of friends too. I am grateful to M for letting me lean on her even if it's just through IM's. But I need so much more. I need my mom. I need someone to hold me, someone I can hold back. I need my grandma. And I'll never have her again. I'll never, ever be okay with that.

This is such a clusterfuck of a post. Jesus Christ...
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