If you'd like to find me elsewhere...

It's legitimately painful to see this site so quiet and inactive, knowing how things used to be here. It's cool to see that a few of my friends are still posting here even semi-regularly though, so it isn't a total ghost town. I don't have plans right now to post regularly here again; I started a Wordpress blog but that's more about unpleasant IRL stuff that I doubt many will want to read, and I don't use my Facebook for much, but if anyone would like to add me on FB you're free to PM me for the link. It would be nice to reconnect to some people from here.
  • Current Mood
    gloomy gloomy

I want my friends back so badly that it physically hurts.

My resolve crumbles sometimes, as it has at this very moment, and I'm reminded that loneliness is second only to grief in being the most crushing weight we will bear as human beings. I dream of every single one of you, former friends, gone and lost and cast off. The bridges I did not burn outright I surely helped sabotage. But am I so undeserving of forgiveness? I want to forgive myself, and I want to BE forgiven. I want to be welcomed back and embraced. But is there no one that wants me now? Truly, no one?

I'll cast my line out again just the same. The idea that it's hopeless... I can't take it. I don't have the stomach for this kind of pain anymore. Where I used to prop up the bowing sections of my life now I only watch as it folds in like paper. Entire reels of this paper. So, so many.

I want to see you again, all of you. At least hear your voices. If even one...

Even if I did some bad things, does it really warrant cutting me out? I coped with that when it was just a couple people that decided to totally move on. But every single one? I'm not a bad person... I'm not. So why? It feels like high school, MIDDLE school, all over again, but so much worse. I never knew what it meant to be lonely. It's been, what, nearly 4 years now at the lowest? Even longer than that in some instances. Do I never get to TRY to atone? Can I never ATTEMPT to show anyone any personal growth?

All that my parents, the only two people on earth who even know me anymore, know how to do is hold me through my crying jags and console me as best they can when I wake from the nightmares. They try so hard, with such love and conviction. But they don't know how to fix a daughter who wakes up already shaking from the sheer panic and terror of a dream where all those former friends tell her it's too late. Please, please don't let it be too late in my waking life. I just want to mend fences. I want to believe I'm good enough for...

Just try. That's all you can do is try. The last several messages you've sent to most of them have gone unread and/or unresponded to, but that doesn't mean it's hopeless. Please, just keep going. It's your only chance.

That's such a scary thought...
  • Current Mood
    lonely lonely
Adiane smirk

a long, long silence: real life, fandoms, e-drama, a ton of crap after months of nothing! weeeee!!

Hi everyone who's still on LJ and still bothering to read when they see the icon of a person who hasn't posted a single entry in nearly a full year! I haven't been here in so long, the site has changed a LOT and it seems to be a lot slower, too. I regret not posting for so long, by far the longest complete silence I've ever had on LJ. It was one hell of an emotionally devastating year for our family, but I think I feel able to write in here again. I've probably alienated the few remaining friends I still had on this site, something I don't know if I'll be able to undo given my difficulty with reconnecting to other humans once I've burned bridges. But here's me trying. To reconnect, I mean. Yeah. This is off to a great start.

The next few paragraphs might be a little depressing. But I want to get the bad shit out of the way first.

Next month it'll have been one year since my grandma died and my life took one of its most severe nosedives ever. At this point I think I can finally say I'm back up to half capacity, functionality-wise. Maybe. And I wasn't operating at full capacity to begin with, so, yeah. Everything else in my life has been an absolute mess too. I keep trying to keep little social connections to some people whilst simultaneously and spontaneously getting into horrific fights with others and losing all contact. I had one (internet) friend supposedly attempting suicide, blaming me for it, and then blowing me off when I sent him desperate messages to find out if he was still alive. And shit, let me tell you, it's fucking scary to think that you're responsible for someone's death. I know it's absolutely absurd to blame myself, first of all because he didn't actually die (though he could've died since then, I'd have no way of knowing) and second because helloooo, someone's suicidality is not my fucking fault! But I have to admit... I blame myself anyway. Just as he intended, I guess. Mission accomplished. I miss him, but our friendship was the single most toxic thing I've ever experienced, and I've had a LOOOOT of severely toxic relationships. Let's see then... another friend got piss-drunk and berated me to the point where I was in tears. I forgave him, of course. And the closest thing to a best friend that I have right now at one point told me I was an "emotional vampire." Which is one of the most painful things I've ever been told. I forgave him too. Of course. I think that's about the most pathetic picture I could possibly paint of myself: so desperate for human contact that I will gratefully crawl back to anyone, with absolutely no self-respect, because getting treated like shit is still better than not being treated at all because there's no one to speak to ever.

There have been several worsening health problems making my life quite physically painful lately too. For the past few week I've been walking on what feels like a fractured/broken foot that makes no logical sense. It feels like someone whacked my left foot right in the center with a hammer, but it only hurts when I walk on it, not when I wiggle the foot around or put pressure on it while sitting or anything else. Curiously it also hurts LESS the longer I'm awake, so that sometimes at night it'll hardly hurt at all, and then in the morning after waking up it'll be killing me again. How the fuck does that even HAPPEN? I've also been getting these excruciatingly painful sores/boils on my skin for the last several months. They were isolated on my right shoulder at first, and as of right now there's one on the crown of my head, and I can't even fucking SEE this one to adequately treat it. My mother and I are afraid that I may have caught MRSA from her... and the thought of that possibility scares the shit out of me. Regardless of what it is, it's quite terrifying to have intensely pus-leaking sores end up as quarter-sized chunks of skin missing from your body. I've managed to find a (ridiculously disgusting) way of staving them off if I can catch them early enough, but this one of my head is massive and I can barely get to it to put antibiotic ointment on it. My hair is constantly pulling at it too, which makes it hurt twice as much as the ones on my shoulder did. I know this is all extremely gross, but I have to write a record of this so I can know the timeframe of when this started in case I need to see a doctor about it eventually. Not having insurance (yet again) makes that pretty goddamn difficult though.

But enough sad, disgusting bullshit. What about THE FUN STUFF? What about fandoms?! Well, shit, guys. I have a lot to say.

The first piece of fiction I consumed this year was Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. (The book, not the movie; I did watch the movie afterwards too and HOLY SHIT it was the worst fucking adaptation of any book I've ever seen and I raged about it for DAYS.) I cannot even begin to describe how much I loved that goddamn book! I don't like vampire fiction and I'm not a big historical fiction fan either, but oh my GOD, something about it was just gripping and fascinating to me. The most hilarious part is that since reading it I've retained more historical and biographical information about Abe Lincoln and the Civil War era from reading that book than in all of the US History classes I've ever taken COMBINED. Goes to show that when put in a context that interests me, I CAN retain historical facts! Which is both amusing and a little sad! Anyway, shit guys, I ship the fuck out of Henry/Abe. I've heavily considered writing fic for them, which is probably not a good path to start down if my neverending Amnesia fic is any indication. I don't know why I can't just write DRABBLES like everyone else. I used to be able to! I don't know what happened.

Moving on, I marathoned all 5 (technically 4 and a half) seasons of Breaking Bad a while back and fell under its spell. It took until the beginning of season 3 for me to finally start loving it though, at first it didn't grab me and honestly I still think it's HUGELY overrated, but it is a damn good show, and definitely the best thing currently airing. Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul are absolutely amazing in their roles, some of the best TV acting I've ever seen. My favorite characters are Hank, that loveable son of a bitch, and Jesse, who I actually HATED at first but grew to love. There's always that moment in almost every episode with Jesse where I'm thinking "yes, here he goes, he's going to do something adorably stupid!" and then it happens and it's glorious. HUGE SPOILERS ABOUND HERE, BE WARNED:... I had known from even before I started watching, thanks to both 4chan and additionally AMC SPOILING THEIR OWN FUCKING SHOW BY BROADCASTING A MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH AS A GODDAMN COMMERCIAL - and seriously, WHY any network would do that EVER is fucking beyond me - but I knew Gus was going to die in an explosion but shit... even knowing beforehand didn't make it any less amazing to watch. Walt and Gus's power struggle is one of the most compelling arcs of any series I've seen. In fact, once Gus is gone and season 5 takes the show in a MUCH darker direction I found it a little hard to watch. I love Walt's transformation into a villain protagonist, but it does make it hard to get through the episodes compared to the earlier seasons. I knew that goddamn copy of Leaves of Grass was going to end up exposing his identity eventually. Who leaves something like that in the fucking bathroom? Shit, Walt. I'm sure he's going to die before the series ends, but damnit if Jesse ends up dying too I'll be legitimately heartbroken. That kid deserves to get the hell out of this mess. I feel a sympathy for Jesse that I haven't felt for many characters, the kind that makes me want to see him succeed even despite all his flaws and mistakes. I identify with him too, which probably means he'll end up suffering even more horrific consequences... heh.

As for The Walking Dead, let's get one thing straight right off the bat: I fucking HATE, and I mean DESPISE, this show. But I also love to hate it, because I tune in every week and gleefully rant to my mother about how much it sucks during the commercials and all during the following week on the IMDb message board, which is populated almost entirely by fellow haters of the show. It's always fun to hate-watch something with a group of surly, acid-tongued individuals. I can't believe that, at this point late in season 3, it's not only continuing to suck but getting WORSE! It's like a cosmic joke tailor-made for people to snipe at every Sunday online. Every single episode drags, and most of the time very little actually happens, and what little does happen takes up the ENTIRE HOUR of airtime, where even a decently written show would be able to wrap up the same plot points in 30 minutes at most. Seasons 2 and 3 have both been like 5 episodes' worth of content stretched to fill an entire season. I didn't think it could get MORE boring than the "let's chill at the farm and do FUCKING NOTHING!" debacle from last season, but jesus christ, they've somehow managed to take the Governor storyline - which should've been a tense, emotional 'us vs. them' plot arc - and turned it into a ludicrously dull and shallow melodrama. There are only 3 episodes left in the season and yet we still know literally NOTHING about Michonne (to be remedied this coming ep, so I hear - far too fucking late). Andrea is only barely getting a goddamn clue about ANYTHING. Carol had a laughably moronic brush with death and has now largely disappeared. Beth's only screentime is to get painfully obvious hamfisted moments of last-ditch character "development" before she bites it at the end of this season. T-Dog died having no character depth at all, but oh, Glenn tells us after the fact that he drove a church van to pick up the elderly after the zombies first appeared. FUCKING REALLY! Then we got two more black characters killed without development. Not that the white characters have much more development, but at least most of them serve a purpose. Morgan comes back to the show in a jarringly pace-destroying episode and gives some of the best acting of the entire series, and that's the end of that. I can't for the life of me figure out how the higher ups in charge of running this show have such a poor grasp of pace and proper sequence. How you can adapt an interesting long-running zombie drama comic series into a barely plotted, meandering bore of a show with absolutely AGONIZING characters is a fucking mystery to me. It really fucking is. And people apparently fucking love this show? How?! No, really, if anyone's reading this that legitimately enjoys TWD and thinks it's good, PLEASE explain how. Because I can't get my head around it.

But for all my hatred of TWD, it cannot hold a candle to the contempt I have for the aftershow Talking Dead and that complete fucking turd of a man Chris Hardwick. His smug fucking smirking face sends rage through my veins like fire every single time he comes on and screams through the television about how AWESOME AND AMAZING AND LIKE LOL WHOA WALKERS COMICS HAS-BEEN CELEBRITIES ON MY COUCH LOL LOL XD XD XD XD akjgd;jgdjgj. Jesus. Just thinking about him makes me want to strangle things with my bare hands.

Also, I'm doing attempt #4 of the "100 movies in a year" list, which I will be posting soon. I WILL do it this time, goddamnit. No matter what terrible thing happens in my life, I won't let it stop me this time. :| I've been watching some seriously fucking weird things lately, but this is getting kinda long so I'll save those for another post.

I know a lot of people have left LJ in the last couple of years, so I'm not sure how many people on my FL are even still using this site regularly. But I hope someone is still out there and reading. Sorry again for my absence, and for this awful post, really. It feels weird to be posting here again actually. I miss the friendly and fun vibe LJ used to have. Ever since it became a Russian-based site things haven't been the same. I suspect the ship-jumping will get worse until its English userbase is nearly dead, if that hasn't happened already. Sad. D:
  • Current Mood
    nauseated nauseated

can't make no vows to a herd of cows

I swear to fucking god every single time I sign onto this site they've made more useless, irritating changes to it. It makes me want to stop coming here altogether, which is extremely upsetting.

The only thing keeping me going these days is my growing obsession with Avatar: The Last Airbender and The Legend of Korra. I flipped the fuck out the day of the Korra finale and had this big post all ready to go about it... then I deleted it and posted NOTHING instead.

So, in short, I guess I've been depressed since my grandma died, although it's difficult at this point to even qualify it as depression because it feels like anything but. I just can't bring myself to care about hardly anything. I'm not sad, I'm just tired. Bored. Fed up.

Loneliness is creeping back into my daily life though. I find myself stopping to wonder how many of my former friends actually miss me, or think about me at all, and my brain answers "none of them," though I know that isn't true. Even when people give me second chances I just shrug it off because I know I can't do it anymore. I'm such shit. It's not even interesting shit anymore though. I feel like she'd cringe if she could see me now.

For the past week or so there's been a tremendous swarm of red wasps constantly making nests outside our front door and in our yard. They buzz anyone who walks outside and it's gotten so out of hand that every single day we kill a few and there's always more to take their places. I don't usually condone wasp killings but this shit has got to stop. They are literally employing stealth techniques against us now. They built a fuckhuge nest inside one of our bird feeders and there's a strong possiblity they've got nests all around our street, which is why getting them to relocate has proven so difficult. Shit, guys. Haven't I been a friend to your kind for years? I fear, but like and respect, wasps, and this is the thanks I get. Goddamnit. Fuckin' hymenopterae.

I feel like I'm just killing time till November, when I can start my novel. I am having the hardest fucking time coming up with names for my characters, but the worldbuilding is proving to be enjoyable. If only I could come up with something to fill the next three months with to kill time... ugh.
  • Current Mood
    blah blah

I'm back I guess

I should finally actually make this post. I've been putting it off because it's fucking shitty to have to write this at all. But I have to come back eventually. I'm a terrible LJ friend to you guys. It's not nearly as easy as it used to be to write in this thing.

My grandma died on April 21, after an extremely long, painful, and exhausting struggle against her surgery complications followed by a stroke. That day was also my father's birthday, so now every year what should be a special day gets to be overwhelmed by this miserable reminder. Fuck, I can't even type this without starting to break down...

We were there. We saw her die. I was holding her hand as she went and it was cold, it was so fucking cold. It was one of the absolute hardest things I've ever had to deal with in my life. The image of her fighting, gasping her last breaths, not even able to turn her head or even focus her eyes on her family... that will stay with me forever. I still can't believe such a wonderful person had to be taken out of this world in such a horrific way, after fighting so hard... she fought so goddamn hard, you guys. The last time we visited her in the hospital before she was moved to the stroke ward, she told us how she could finally stand up again, how she could sit up in bed. She was days away from being released to a nursing home again. Days. But they took her off her blood thinners to do some tests and then she had her stroke. A week later she was gone. After everything that happened... three surgeries, indescribable pain, hearing her scream and beg and watching her suffer, being told she might have cancer and then never even getting to find out if that was true. Just gone. One of the strongest women I'll ever know. One of the only people that I felt and knew, really knew, loved me. The very last thing I told her, as she was dying, was "I love you. You know I love you." Because no one ever does. Every person I've been close to has questioned my love, my parents, my friends, my significant others. Every single person except her. She knew. And she loved me back so deeply that having her gone is like having a part of my soul ripped out. And I don't even believe in souls. But I can think of no other way to describe it.

I wrote a very, very, very long post the day after it happened, describing exactly what's been going on since my last big update on the situation. But I can't post it, not yet, maybe not ever. It's so painful. It hurts, physically hurts, the way nothing else ever has. Every single day passes so slowly now, I seriously can't fucking believe it's been less than 2 months since she died, it feels like five fucking years. The grief mutates into depression and we all know where I go from there. I feel this more deeply and more constantly than I've felt any emotion in years. This is pain that cannot even be dissociated. I miss her so much. So fucking much that I think sometimes I can't cope. I try to be strong for my mother, because as badly as I hurt I know she hurts even more, losing her own mother. There's also been a HUGE amount of additional family drama. Our family doesn't even come together in times of loss. We tear each other fucking apart. I hate this. I hate this so much, and I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry, this all sounds really really stupid. I can't stop crying now, I don't know why I wrote this. I was going to disable comments but I guess that's antisocial so I'll just leave them open. There are so many more parts of this story to tell but I don't know if I am strong enough to tell it. I don't know if it even matters, if anyone's even listening. I feel the absence of God now more than I ever have. I feel the absence of friends too. I am grateful to M for letting me lean on her even if it's just through IM's. But I need so much more. I need my mom. I need someone to hold me, someone I can hold back. I need my grandma. And I'll never have her again. I'll never, ever be okay with that.

This is such a clusterfuck of a post. Jesus Christ...
  • Current Mood
    depressed grieving

The Hunger Games

I've been wanting to read these books for ages since I've had dozens of people highly recommend them to me, and goddamn. I think I'm getting obsessed. Later today when I finish book 3 I'll have read the whole trilogy in 3-4 days. It's been fucking years since I've devoured books that quickly, or felt the need/desire to. To be honest they're not as good, quality-wise, as I had hoped judging by the overwhelming hype, but they are really good and I've grown very attached to the story/characters. My mom and I are both having to marathon the trilogy in time to go see the movie. We can't afford the books ourselves right now so she borrowed them from a coworker's daughter, heh.

No points for guessing my favorite characters, it's too easy. Goddamn I'm predictable. Side characters, arrogant losers/asshats, and ridiculousness. All day erry day.

I dunno how many people on my friends list even like this series, but yeah. I have only barely peeked into the fandom thus far and frankly I'm not sure it's one that's well suited for me. It sucks fanning over things by your damn self though. I'm waiting till I finish reading to look for fanfics, but there's a couple twisted ideas in my head, and if they're not already out there then I'm sorely tempted to write them myself. ...And then subsequently hoard the Wordpad documents on my harddrive because I'm too ashamed to post them. Again. Fuck.

I don't want to write about real life right now. Nothing hugely earthmoving to report though. Not sure "earthmoving" is even a word or a phrase or whatever. I'm so fucking articulate it scares me.
  • Current Mood
    gloomy gloomy

Update. (WARNING: gross medical stuff follows!)

My grandma went back in for a second round of surgery on Wednesday, February 22nd, during which they took out and cleaned her knee replacement thing and put it back in. The damn thing was water-tight, and they still found a bunch of pus and blood and disgusting infected stuff inside it. This time when they finished the operation they put a wound vac on her knee which is supposed to help keep it cleaner and less likely to become infected again. My fucking question: why the FUCK was that not done the first time she had surgery? Additional mistake #1.

The doctor told us that she developed a serious hematoma, which was the huge gross black area under her skin that he told us would "fall off" (HA!), and there was a bunch of necrotic tissue around the area which did end up coming back testing positive for infection. Any braindead fucking idiot with no medical training whatsoever could've glanced at her knee and known it was infected without even needing tests. When she was waiting in the surgery prep area on Wednesday there was so much blood and pus leaking from her knee that it had completely saturated her bandages, and soaked through TWO blankets that were placed on top of her. We showed every single nurse and medical staff that came through that door her wound, and almost every single one had the same reaction upon seeing it: widened eyes, shock, disgust, disbelief that it was so bad after such a 'simple' procedure. Yet her doctor waited weeks to get her back into the hospital to treat it and kept assuring her it was normal. Additional mistake #2. They put her into the surgery prep room at 11:30 AM. She was finally wheeled into surgery at 6:55 PM. It took that long, with no explanation, to get her back under the knife - meanwhile the rude as shit nurses treated both her and the family like shit, acting like we were overreacting when we voiced concerns over the wait, or more serious things such as her severe nausea. Additional mistakes #'s 3 and 4. She was sitting there for over 7 hours while this infected, necrotic wound was working its poison deeper into her extremely weak body. Seven fucking hours. They kept saying "oh, she's next, I think he's working on another patient now but she'll probably get bumped ahead, we'll give her something in the meantime." Bullshit. It's all just bullshit.

She began getting sick and vomiting about 4 or 5 hours in. She threw up normal stomach acid and the like, and also threw up phlegm, both yellow and clear, nearly choking on it. They gave her several medicines for this, all of which made her very sleepy, but none of which fully stopped the nausea or vomiting. My mother was so angry at the lack of care and urgency the nurses were showing, coupled with the long and unexplained wait time, that she left the room for a while so she wouldn't explode. When she did my grandma got very, very sick and also said she "saw a black line like barbed wire" across her vision. That was when I got really scared, and I was so glad my mom wasn't there to see that. Ultimately we asked the nurses about 4 times to give her something for the nausea, which they ignored, and 2 different doctors told the same nurses to give her something for it. Finally they did, after hours of misery, and then claimed the order from the second doctor instructing them to medicate her got misplaced momentarily and that caused the delay. More lies and bullshit. Additional mistakes #5+... who can even keep count anymore.

She's been in the hospital since then, and today they're going to perform another bout of surgery. Originally she was supposed to get a skin graft - yes, a skin graft on an 82-year-old woman who bleeds extremely severely from a minor scratch whose surgery incision hasn't even healed, they were going to cut a chunk of her skin off - but now they're just going to go in and take the entire knee replacement out and put in a temporary thing. She'll supposedly have mobility but it won't be a fully functional knee like what's in there now. Then they're going to go and do THE ENTIRE ORIGINAL KNEE REPLACEMENT SURGERY ALL OVER AGAIN IN 6 WEEKS. They're going to try to repeat the exact same procedure that has already failed. And not just failed, but has nearly killed her.

There are no words for the stupidity, irresponsibility, and recklessness of this. Nothing we say gets through to these people and it's clear the people in charge of her care don't give a shit that what they're doing, and NOT doing, has a very high chance of killing her. There's a chance they'll eventually have to fuse her leg together, which will mean she won't be able to walk anymore. But there's also a chance she won't survive. She may not live through today. She's been in and out of it for days now, sometimes she doesn't even seem to know we're here or know where she is.

I don't know what else to do or say. Everyone is exhausted both physically and mentally. If you pray, please pray for my grandma. If you don't, please keep us in your thoughts. I don't know what's going to happen and I'm very scared. We've got to leave now to get to the hospital for her third surgery, the one that she may not make it through. Thank you for any help and good vibes you can provide. I'm trying my very best to keep it together.
Saji's life sucks

where I've been...

Welp, this is my first post of 2012, and it's nearly March... At first depression was keeping me silent, and now there's just been so much going on that I've been afraid to post for fear of posting too soon, then having to come back later and read hopeful thoughts that will tear my heart apart later. You know those periods of time when a bunch of shit starts happening all at once in your life, and you find yourself constantly exhausted? This is one of those times. I really don't see how the years can continue to get worse... I just don't.

I guess I'll start with the littler things. Since the start of the new year I've been quite sick off and on, to the point of vomiting excessively and getting fevers and migraines fairly frequently. At one point I threw up, for the first and hopefully last time, in a public place (parking garage.) It was horrifically embarrassing but thankfully I don't think anyone saw. I was vomiting until there was absolutely nothing left in my stomach, which was scary, I haven't done that in several years. It always feels a little like I'm going to die when that happens. I really need to get myself thoroughly evaluated, but I'm so scared and, honestly, apathetic, that it just feels hopeless most of the time.

Anyway, the biggest news is that my grandma was in the hospital for over two weeks after January 16th. She had full knee replacement surgery done, which at her age - over 80 - is quite risky, especially since she had to stop taking her medications for a week, and has been on blood thinning medication for decades which did lead to big problems at one point. The first day we were at the hospital we had to be there at 8:30 AM, and she didn't get rolled into surgery until 3:30 PM. It was fucking RIDICULOUS and they never even gave us an explanation for why it took so long. We were all hoping that she wouldn't go through with the surgery, but she did, and ever since she first mentioned the idea it gave me an extremely uneasy feeling, which as usual ended up being true. It's been over a month and she still can't walk without aid of a walker, the extremely large and dark bloodstained/bruised area of her knee has not healed (or 'fallen off' as the doctor says it will... WTF?) and the whole situation is quite frankly scaring the shit out of me. It's taking a heavy toll on my mother, who worries constantly, and though I wish I could say otherwise, she has very good reason to worry...

Yesterday my grandma started having trouble breathing and my grandpa took her to the hospital; and I don't know if this is really true or if he's lying to us to keep us from worrying as much, but they apparently released her with no real diagnosis or concerns. Because it's so fucking normal for an elderly woman recovering from major surgery to be having breathing difficulties. Yet again it seems like the people we're supposed to be counting on don't know what the fuck they're doing. The entire reason this is happening in the first place is because her doctor, for some endlessly fucking stupid reason, decided to give her only a partial knee replacement years ago, and WOW WHAT A FUCKING SHOCK that the rest of the knee wore out too and the whole goddamn thing had to be replaced. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills sometimes when I try to wrap my mind around the things these 'professional' doctors do. For example,

Someone forgot to close off a major vein or something in my grandma's leg after taking her nerve block out, and she bled out so much that she required a blood transfusion.

Just... oh my god. Everyone was in a panic that morning when we received this news because no one would tell us exactly what was going on, and for a while it was stated that it was the FEMORAL ARTERY that had been bleeding, which could've fucking killed her in a matter of minutes if it had been true. Even now we don't know what the REAL issue was exactly, but the very fact that someone either didn't tie something off properly or didn't stitch something up correctly makes me so, so angry. This is a woman who has bled like a stuck pig from the corner of a cereal box scraping her arm. To know that she was lying helpless in puddles of her own blood for at least half a day while dozens of medical staff stood by doing apparently NOTHING to stop it is disgusting.

The fact that she's so bad off this far out from surgery, and developing new problems at that, makes me feel genuine terror in a way that I never have. I am lucky enough, at nearly 25, to have never lost a family member. The very real possiblity, which seems to loom larger every day, that she could die from the strain of all this makes me shake with fear. To know that I can do nothing of real value for her hurts the most. I love my grandma so much and losing her would be incredibly painful. But that's nothing compared to what it would do to my mother. And I know... I don't just think, but I KNOW... that no matter how she leaves us it will be bad for her, but to lose her this way? That will devastate my mother beyond repair. She will change again like she changed after getting sick in '07. That miserable husk of a person will come back tenfold, and in a sense I'll be losing her too. The only thing I can do to cope with this is to disconnect, as usual. I keep my emotions pushed way down where I can observe them but rarely channel them. It's what I have to do. When my mom starts crying and blaming herself for not visiting her enough even though she visited all the time, it's me who has to bring her 'round. Dad really isn't any help and probably can't ever be, not with this. I can't do anything either but I do know that I can't break down because someone has to function when disaster strikes.

God, how sad is it when I've got to be the emotionally functional one? I haven't been functional since I was goddamn prepubescent.

True to our family's neverending horrendous luck, we are very short on money at the moment and things are starting to break and fuck up. One of our toilets is essentially unusable and there really isn't a viable (i.e. affordable) solution in sight. It's gonna be one hell of a year. Jesus.

Last, and most certainly least, is the fact that my dad's father - supreme child (and adult) abusing asshole extraordinaire - has been writing to us again. And sending us pictures of the young woman who he's become smitten with. The young woman who's already with another man and has a 5-year-old daughter. The young woman whom he's giving money to and has now written into his will, which he brags about in a transparent and failed attempt to make my dad jealous enough to reestablish contact. I just... ;akgjlkjweg. You guys, I'm not even kidding, these letters are the most insane fucking things I've ever seen in my life. I'm working on transcribing what we still have of them so that I can post it here and get some much-needed validation that they ARE as fucking nuts as they seem to us. Every single time he contacts us in any way it sends an avalanche of drama and psychological turmoil through our house. This man is no more a human being than a fucking tumor is. I feel no shame in my hatred of him. He's done the worst things possible to our family and having him contact us, as if all the shit he's done is supposed to be forgotten, makes my blood boil in ways that are beyond words. This, too, makes me shake, but with rage instead of fear.

So I hope it's understandable why I've waited so long to write all this stuff down. Not one thing has gone right in our lives so far this year. And I hope at least someone has read all this, because I'm at a point where I have to admit that I'm hurting bad for some understanding and compassion. I need support and I have no support system in place, which you'd think I would be used to by now, but I'm not. Sometimes it feels like my body is literally unraveling like a poorly woven... Thing. Sometimes being alone really sucks.

To attempt to end on a positive note, I've long since beaten Final Fantasy XIII and need to type up my final thoughts on it. I only have to beat the last Cie'th stone mission and I'll have done everything in the game aside from getting that godforsaken platinum trophy. Still have to do Treasure Hunter and a couple other things for that. I'm also a fair ways into Star Ocean: The Last Hope at this point, and I have a whole lot to say about that game too. I try like hell to update more but the more I want to talk the less it seems I post. I can see I've been removed from several friends lists already and who can blame them really, I'm gone and silent 99% of the time, that's really not much of a friendship. But this was supposed to be a positive note... yep. Thanks for sticking with me, those of you who have. I really keep trying to do my best here...
  • Current Mood
    sore sore
Bitch please.

Happy Holidays, everyone! :D

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Veselé Vánoce, etc.!
(adorable Amnesia fan art by Fenomena @ deviantart)

Oh, apparently my extra userpics expired and now it doesn't go by which ones you use most, but only lets you use the earliest ones you uploaded and makes the rest inactive (read: all the newer icons you probably want to use the most are unusable. Thanks, LJ. Keep earning your pay with your excellent and not at all full of bullshit customer service.)

I'm extremely depressed right now, more depressed than I've been on Christmas morning since about ten years ago in high school, which is disappointing to say the least. But I shall soldier on and try to make the best of the day anyhow.

Happy holidays and regular days to all you lovely folks. Hope you guys who are celebrating have a good Christmas and get good gifts and good food. And for those that don't, just have a good time in general, have fun in my place since my brain chemistry won't allow me to. :)