V (forever_alone) wrote,

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a long, long silence: real life, fandoms, e-drama, a ton of crap after months of nothing! weeeee!!

Hi everyone who's still on LJ and still bothering to read when they see the icon of a person who hasn't posted a single entry in nearly a full year! I haven't been here in so long, the site has changed a LOT and it seems to be a lot slower, too. I regret not posting for so long, by far the longest complete silence I've ever had on LJ. It was one hell of an emotionally devastating year for our family, but I think I feel able to write in here again. I've probably alienated the few remaining friends I still had on this site, something I don't know if I'll be able to undo given my difficulty with reconnecting to other humans once I've burned bridges. But here's me trying. To reconnect, I mean. Yeah. This is off to a great start.

The next few paragraphs might be a little depressing. But I want to get the bad shit out of the way first.

Next month it'll have been one year since my grandma died and my life took one of its most severe nosedives ever. At this point I think I can finally say I'm back up to half capacity, functionality-wise. Maybe. And I wasn't operating at full capacity to begin with, so, yeah. Everything else in my life has been an absolute mess too. I keep trying to keep little social connections to some people whilst simultaneously and spontaneously getting into horrific fights with others and losing all contact. I had one (internet) friend supposedly attempting suicide, blaming me for it, and then blowing me off when I sent him desperate messages to find out if he was still alive. And shit, let me tell you, it's fucking scary to think that you're responsible for someone's death. I know it's absolutely absurd to blame myself, first of all because he didn't actually die (though he could've died since then, I'd have no way of knowing) and second because helloooo, someone's suicidality is not my fucking fault! But I have to admit... I blame myself anyway. Just as he intended, I guess. Mission accomplished. I miss him, but our friendship was the single most toxic thing I've ever experienced, and I've had a LOOOOT of severely toxic relationships. Let's see then... another friend got piss-drunk and berated me to the point where I was in tears. I forgave him, of course. And the closest thing to a best friend that I have right now at one point told me I was an "emotional vampire." Which is one of the most painful things I've ever been told. I forgave him too. Of course. I think that's about the most pathetic picture I could possibly paint of myself: so desperate for human contact that I will gratefully crawl back to anyone, with absolutely no self-respect, because getting treated like shit is still better than not being treated at all because there's no one to speak to ever.

There have been several worsening health problems making my life quite physically painful lately too. For the past few week I've been walking on what feels like a fractured/broken foot that makes no logical sense. It feels like someone whacked my left foot right in the center with a hammer, but it only hurts when I walk on it, not when I wiggle the foot around or put pressure on it while sitting or anything else. Curiously it also hurts LESS the longer I'm awake, so that sometimes at night it'll hardly hurt at all, and then in the morning after waking up it'll be killing me again. How the fuck does that even HAPPEN? I've also been getting these excruciatingly painful sores/boils on my skin for the last several months. They were isolated on my right shoulder at first, and as of right now there's one on the crown of my head, and I can't even fucking SEE this one to adequately treat it. My mother and I are afraid that I may have caught MRSA from her... and the thought of that possibility scares the shit out of me. Regardless of what it is, it's quite terrifying to have intensely pus-leaking sores end up as quarter-sized chunks of skin missing from your body. I've managed to find a (ridiculously disgusting) way of staving them off if I can catch them early enough, but this one of my head is massive and I can barely get to it to put antibiotic ointment on it. My hair is constantly pulling at it too, which makes it hurt twice as much as the ones on my shoulder did. I know this is all extremely gross, but I have to write a record of this so I can know the timeframe of when this started in case I need to see a doctor about it eventually. Not having insurance (yet again) makes that pretty goddamn difficult though.

But enough sad, disgusting bullshit. What about THE FUN STUFF? What about fandoms?! Well, shit, guys. I have a lot to say.

The first piece of fiction I consumed this year was Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. (The book, not the movie; I did watch the movie afterwards too and HOLY SHIT it was the worst fucking adaptation of any book I've ever seen and I raged about it for DAYS.) I cannot even begin to describe how much I loved that goddamn book! I don't like vampire fiction and I'm not a big historical fiction fan either, but oh my GOD, something about it was just gripping and fascinating to me. The most hilarious part is that since reading it I've retained more historical and biographical information about Abe Lincoln and the Civil War era from reading that book than in all of the US History classes I've ever taken COMBINED. Goes to show that when put in a context that interests me, I CAN retain historical facts! Which is both amusing and a little sad! Anyway, shit guys, I ship the fuck out of Henry/Abe. I've heavily considered writing fic for them, which is probably not a good path to start down if my neverending Amnesia fic is any indication. I don't know why I can't just write DRABBLES like everyone else. I used to be able to! I don't know what happened.

Moving on, I marathoned all 5 (technically 4 and a half) seasons of Breaking Bad a while back and fell under its spell. It took until the beginning of season 3 for me to finally start loving it though, at first it didn't grab me and honestly I still think it's HUGELY overrated, but it is a damn good show, and definitely the best thing currently airing. Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul are absolutely amazing in their roles, some of the best TV acting I've ever seen. My favorite characters are Hank, that loveable son of a bitch, and Jesse, who I actually HATED at first but grew to love. There's always that moment in almost every episode with Jesse where I'm thinking "yes, here he goes, he's going to do something adorably stupid!" and then it happens and it's glorious. HUGE SPOILERS ABOUND HERE, BE WARNED:... I had known from even before I started watching, thanks to both 4chan and additionally AMC SPOILING THEIR OWN FUCKING SHOW BY BROADCASTING A MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH AS A GODDAMN COMMERCIAL - and seriously, WHY any network would do that EVER is fucking beyond me - but I knew Gus was going to die in an explosion but shit... even knowing beforehand didn't make it any less amazing to watch. Walt and Gus's power struggle is one of the most compelling arcs of any series I've seen. In fact, once Gus is gone and season 5 takes the show in a MUCH darker direction I found it a little hard to watch. I love Walt's transformation into a villain protagonist, but it does make it hard to get through the episodes compared to the earlier seasons. I knew that goddamn copy of Leaves of Grass was going to end up exposing his identity eventually. Who leaves something like that in the fucking bathroom? Shit, Walt. I'm sure he's going to die before the series ends, but damnit if Jesse ends up dying too I'll be legitimately heartbroken. That kid deserves to get the hell out of this mess. I feel a sympathy for Jesse that I haven't felt for many characters, the kind that makes me want to see him succeed even despite all his flaws and mistakes. I identify with him too, which probably means he'll end up suffering even more horrific consequences... heh.

As for The Walking Dead, let's get one thing straight right off the bat: I fucking HATE, and I mean DESPISE, this show. But I also love to hate it, because I tune in every week and gleefully rant to my mother about how much it sucks during the commercials and all during the following week on the IMDb message board, which is populated almost entirely by fellow haters of the show. It's always fun to hate-watch something with a group of surly, acid-tongued individuals. I can't believe that, at this point late in season 3, it's not only continuing to suck but getting WORSE! It's like a cosmic joke tailor-made for people to snipe at every Sunday online. Every single episode drags, and most of the time very little actually happens, and what little does happen takes up the ENTIRE HOUR of airtime, where even a decently written show would be able to wrap up the same plot points in 30 minutes at most. Seasons 2 and 3 have both been like 5 episodes' worth of content stretched to fill an entire season. I didn't think it could get MORE boring than the "let's chill at the farm and do FUCKING NOTHING!" debacle from last season, but jesus christ, they've somehow managed to take the Governor storyline - which should've been a tense, emotional 'us vs. them' plot arc - and turned it into a ludicrously dull and shallow melodrama. There are only 3 episodes left in the season and yet we still know literally NOTHING about Michonne (to be remedied this coming ep, so I hear - far too fucking late). Andrea is only barely getting a goddamn clue about ANYTHING. Carol had a laughably moronic brush with death and has now largely disappeared. Beth's only screentime is to get painfully obvious hamfisted moments of last-ditch character "development" before she bites it at the end of this season. T-Dog died having no character depth at all, but oh, Glenn tells us after the fact that he drove a church van to pick up the elderly after the zombies first appeared. FUCKING REALLY! Then we got two more black characters killed without development. Not that the white characters have much more development, but at least most of them serve a purpose. Morgan comes back to the show in a jarringly pace-destroying episode and gives some of the best acting of the entire series, and that's the end of that. I can't for the life of me figure out how the higher ups in charge of running this show have such a poor grasp of pace and proper sequence. How you can adapt an interesting long-running zombie drama comic series into a barely plotted, meandering bore of a show with absolutely AGONIZING characters is a fucking mystery to me. It really fucking is. And people apparently fucking love this show? How?! No, really, if anyone's reading this that legitimately enjoys TWD and thinks it's good, PLEASE explain how. Because I can't get my head around it.

But for all my hatred of TWD, it cannot hold a candle to the contempt I have for the aftershow Talking Dead and that complete fucking turd of a man Chris Hardwick. His smug fucking smirking face sends rage through my veins like fire every single time he comes on and screams through the television about how AWESOME AND AMAZING AND LIKE LOL WHOA WALKERS COMICS HAS-BEEN CELEBRITIES ON MY COUCH LOL LOL XD XD XD XD akjgd;jgdjgj. Jesus. Just thinking about him makes me want to strangle things with my bare hands.

Also, I'm doing attempt #4 of the "100 movies in a year" list, which I will be posting soon. I WILL do it this time, goddamnit. No matter what terrible thing happens in my life, I won't let it stop me this time. :| I've been watching some seriously fucking weird things lately, but this is getting kinda long so I'll save those for another post.

I know a lot of people have left LJ in the last couple of years, so I'm not sure how many people on my FL are even still using this site regularly. But I hope someone is still out there and reading. Sorry again for my absence, and for this awful post, really. It feels weird to be posting here again actually. I miss the friendly and fun vibe LJ used to have. Ever since it became a Russian-based site things haven't been the same. I suspect the ship-jumping will get worse until its English userbase is nearly dead, if that hasn't happened already. Sad. D:
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