V (forever_alone) wrote,

  • Mood:

I want my friends back so badly that it physically hurts.

My resolve crumbles sometimes, as it has at this very moment, and I'm reminded that loneliness is second only to grief in being the most crushing weight we will bear as human beings. I dream of every single one of you, former friends, gone and lost and cast off. The bridges I did not burn outright I surely helped sabotage. But am I so undeserving of forgiveness? I want to forgive myself, and I want to BE forgiven. I want to be welcomed back and embraced. But is there no one that wants me now? Truly, no one?

I'll cast my line out again just the same. The idea that it's hopeless... I can't take it. I don't have the stomach for this kind of pain anymore. Where I used to prop up the bowing sections of my life now I only watch as it folds in like paper. Entire reels of this paper. So, so many.

I want to see you again, all of you. At least hear your voices. If even one...

Even if I did some bad things, does it really warrant cutting me out? I coped with that when it was just a couple people that decided to totally move on. But every single one? I'm not a bad person... I'm not. So why? It feels like high school, MIDDLE school, all over again, but so much worse. I never knew what it meant to be lonely. It's been, what, nearly 4 years now at the lowest? Even longer than that in some instances. Do I never get to TRY to atone? Can I never ATTEMPT to show anyone any personal growth?

All that my parents, the only two people on earth who even know me anymore, know how to do is hold me through my crying jags and console me as best they can when I wake from the nightmares. They try so hard, with such love and conviction. But they don't know how to fix a daughter who wakes up already shaking from the sheer panic and terror of a dream where all those former friends tell her it's too late. Please, please don't let it be too late in my waking life. I just want to mend fences. I want to believe I'm good enough for...

Just try. That's all you can do is try. The last several messages you've sent to most of them have gone unread and/or unresponded to, but that doesn't mean it's hopeless. Please, just keep going. It's your only chance.

That's such a scary thought...
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